When the tail wags the dog, the resulting tale is sometimes one of woe.
The name sounds like it could be a children’s book or the first installment of a Disney franchise – Happytail. Little anthropomorphic creatures cavorting gleefully in some wooded glade somewhere while they sing about the virtues of modesty, proper dental hygiene or hard work. But fairy tale full of wide-eyed childhood wonder it’s not. It’s a frustratingly pernicious medical condition and more of a nightmare than a fairy tale.
There’s sometimes no happy at the ending of happytail.
Happytail is another in those long line of ‘diseases they don’t warn you about in vet school that will make your life hell after you graduate’ since they don’t shoehorn into a neat discipline like surgery or oncology and there’s really no human counterpart. I don’t remember ever learning or hearing about it until one came rushing into the veterinary ER where I did my internship.
So what the heck is this unhappy tale all about? (You knew I had to do that, right? No one seriously thought I could get through this without one tail/tale pun, did you?)
Dogs wag. Some dogs really wag. Like, uber-level electro wag, so hard that they damage the tippity tips of their tails when the tips come into contact with the walls, doorways and other unyielding surfaces that our homes are made of. It’s kind of like what would happen if you went into a grocery store with a sock, grabbed a tomato and put it inside the sock and just started whacking random things and innocent grocery shoppers with it – go ahead, give it a try. I’ll wait.
Now that you’ve been bailed out of jail for deadly assault with a fruit (…or is it a vegetable?) you probably get the picture; the tail tip gets bruised and bloody, and to make matters worse, they wave and wag, wag and wave with gleeful abandon, spraying blood all over. Continuing the tomato analogy, it’s like you filled your shop-vac with tomato sauce and set it on reverse, spraying the otherwise tan walls of your house a lovely marinara red. Well, it’s not quite that bad, but some analogies are just too good to pass up.
It is amazing how much blood one little tail can hold. I’ve had vet ER exam rooms look like the inside of a slaughterhouse in about 45 seconds flat when a tail laceration or case of happytail come in for an exam. Same thing happens at home – only worse.
Picture the scenario, and remember: your dog loves it when you pay attention to him.
Me: What’s wrong with your tail, Rocco?
Rocco: He said SOMETHING to me! He LOVES ME! I am soooooo happy right now!!
wag wag wag *splat* WAGWAG *splat* wag wag waggity *splat* wagwag
Me: Rocco – stop wagging, I need to see your tail, and you’re getting blood all over!
Rocco: He said something AGAIN! LOUDLY!! He REALLY LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER AND IT IS EVEN BETTER THAN WHEN I FOUND THAT DEAD SQUIREL OR DISCOVERED I COULD LICK MY BUTT.
Wag wag wagwagWAGWAG *splat* wag nose nuzzle shovel move wag WAG Wag WAG wagwagwag WAG WAIGGITY WAG WAG *splat*
See? Happy.
Of course, owners are freaked out and concerned for a) their pet b) their furniture and c) what the police might think if they should happen to stop by. It looks like a murder scene, and not one of your quiet, calm, introspective murder scenes, either.
So, how do you fix it? Beats me – I’ve tried everything. Sedatives, bandages, peyote, cauterizing it, herbs, ganja, human sacrifice, Night Train. Nothing works.
The tip of the tail is an amazingly difficult place to bandage or do surgery on. It’s pointed and narrows down, so most bandages just loosen and fall off. And, if you try and add something like a bandage to the end of the tail, the tail now hangs with more weight, and through some high school physics that I have long-since washed out of my brain on a veritable ocean of whisky and Zima, more weight equals more force when it wags, which all sums up to…more blood.
It seem like such a silly little thing, but this really is a hellishly difficult problem to fix. I know what you’re thinking – put a stitch in in, right? Wrong – a stich means more holes, through which more blood can come through, meaning you need a bandage again and we’re right back to a physics and a mushy, tomato-y sock. Cauterizing it? Aside from the fact that it usually requires heavy sedation or anesthesia, cauterizing it only creates a clotted crust over the damage. One whack against a wall at home and we’re right back to “murder scene” faster than you can say pasta puttanesca.
It even gets bad enough on occasion that some dogs have to have parts of their tail amputated. I am not making that up: a dog might need to have a part of its actual body surgically removed because of excessive wagging. That’s how utterly ridiculous this disease is.
The amputation works because of physics. A shorter tail means less motion, means less blood. And, the shorter part is bigger and easier to work with surgically; you can actually have some hope of tying off a blood vessel and stop the bleeding that way.
Not all cases have this much suck inherent in them. Plenty stop bleeding on their own, or the dog gets less happy and maybe watches a Nicholas Sparks movie or something. A PSA about pet overpopulation, I dunno. Something sad and wagless, maybe with a Sarah McLachlan soundtrack.
But there’s enough of them out there that I’m thinking of starting my own curriculum at the local vet school, just so the poor bastards aren’t taken by surprise on graduation day and know what to do when Rocco and I (or you) come through the door with a bleeding tail – assuming I’m not on duty that night, that is.
So if you have a slaphappy goofy dog (usually a Lab or golden, though any breed can be prone to tail-bashing bouts of manic joy) try and get them to tone it down and give it a rest on occasion – or at least cover every hard surface in your house with bubble wrap, since unlike tail bandages, house padding would stay put. If it does start bleeding, try and put direct pressure on it for a few minutes to see if it’ll stop on its own. If it doesn’t, head for the local vet ER and hope that the vet on duty has seen a case or three.
24 Comments
Tonya
December 18, 2022
I had a dogs tail apputated due to an accident 2 weeksa ago. He knocked off 2 scabs, will not heal. I keep him muzzles and cone ALWAYS but he knocked this scab off and it looks bad
AMJ
January 28, 2022
Lori McKenzie
May 4, 2021
Alyssa C. Schubert
October 11, 2020
Tanya Simkovich
May 10, 2020
Ashley
November 26, 2019
Karen Fowler
February 26, 2019
Karen Fowler
February 26, 2019
Monique
November 20, 2018
Sue
October 1, 2015
Eliza
October 1, 2015
Donna Iler
September 30, 2015
Lynette
September 30, 2015
Sara Turk
September 30, 2015
rsqdogsmom
September 30, 2015
Lita Wester
September 30, 2015
Eloise
September 30, 2015
Becky
September 30, 2015
Cindy
September 30, 2015
Jamie
September 30, 2015
Katherine
September 30, 2015
Robin
September 30, 2015
Shayna
September 22, 2015
Deborah Cottrell
September 22, 2015
Marta Gropper
September 21, 2015